"In raising my children, I have lost my mind but found my soul" Lisa T. Shepherd
I have to begin by telling you that I have always been the kind of person who likes things to go according to the plan. I like structure, organization and rules. These things make me feel in balance and calm. Without these things I feel scattered, nervous and I kind of shut down.
I have a little competitive streak mixed with a little stubbornness. I only mention this because as any of you with children know, they will push and see if you will budge. They will question the rules and test you to see if you will stand firm. To put it mildly, I always stand firm (thank you stubbornness).
It has always been this way with me, but something changed when the children came. (Don't worry, I have maintained my stubbornness). Somewhere along the way, I became too overwhelmed with sleepless nights, diaper changes, prayer and protection of the children to maintain life without chaos. It is because of this, that many have heard me say, "I have left my modesty and memory in labor and delivery somewhere!"
Through the years more children have arrived and shared my home, each one teaching me valuable life lessons. I was 25 when I had my first baby, and now at almost 40, I find myself wondering if they have finally taught me to relax.
I came across some pictures that we took over the 4th of July last year. And I have to admit, looking at them now, I can't help but smile, but that night I was close to tears and not sure if I would in fact be able to breathe through this. My husband and I were getting ready to go to a very important meeting. I had to speak in front of people whom I have the highest respect. I was pretty sure I would hyperventilate and pass out in front of them all. I was pretty sure that I would mess up and be embarrassed. And I was pretty sure that the people would point and laugh and run me out of the village with fiery stakes in their hands. I was pretty sure my imagination was running away with me, but couldn't get logic to outweigh the crazy that night.
We had stopped by the in-laws to let the kids play at Grandma and Grandpa's while we were out, and also to visit for a few minutes. Just as we stood to leave, my sister-in-law came in the back door with a kind of fearful smile across her face. She looked at me and said, "Traci you have got to see this." I followed her out the back door, literally 5 minutes before we needed to be on the road driving and found three of my children and a cousin had turned "Grandma, can we check the chicken coop for eggs?" into "who wants to have a mud fight?"
Do you know what kind of "mud" grows in a chicken coop? Not MUD!!! My kids were actively throwing chicken poop at each other. They were rolling in it and wiping it on each other. They were giggly kids having the best time with very little thought as to what was actually happening. There was no thought as to what was going in their ears, up their noses and down their swimsuit bottoms. It never occurred to them that they would stink or may not be allowed into Grandmas swimming pool later. They had no plan as to how they would get cleaned up or if their suits would ever be worn again. They were absolutely, joyfully, lighthearted and carefree. I assure you chaos was everywhere and it is NOT something they learned from me!!
Here is Hayden rubbing a little bit on his arms (Uggh!!)
And Hannah getting in on the action.....
Now he is literally rolling in it. I would love to say that this is just a boy thing......
But look at the smile on his sister's face.
We later posted the picture on the right on Facebook. You will notice that Olivia's smile was not as broad, because she had just learned that she was covered in poop instead of mud. She hates this picture and will deny to this day that she ever did such a thing. But that is just how today goes. On that day, she was a happy kid and I personally think she is beautiful when she is smiling.
So how does this article have anything to do with me learning to relax?? Well, I will tell you! My husband and I hosed off the kids (yes, literally), jumped in the car, and headed off to our meeting. And, while I was still nervous, I couldn't help but be a little distracted by the kids actions. They were joyful and carefree for a few minutes and it didn't hurt anybody to let a little chaos in. I even giggled a little as we drove down the road. I also lived through the night, without anyone running me out of the village with fiery steaks. All in all a pretty good night. Later that night, after fireworks and ice cream, we tucked our kids in bed and told them "Goodnight" thanking God once again for keeping them happy, healthy and whole~
Well girls, it is simply not so! Many of our perceived barriers are not barriers at all, and in fact sometimes breastfeeding is necessary if your baby is going to be in those environments. 
